washed up Archives - Jeremy C. Processing

Director – Simon McQuoid – 2025 – US – Cert. 15 – 116m

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Dragged into an otherworldly tournament a washed up 1990s action star must fight other contestants to the death to save the Earthrealm – out in UK cinemas on Friday, May 8th

King Jerrod (Desmond Chiam from Joy Ride, Adele Lim, 2023) of Edenia loses the tenth fight in a to-the-death tournament to intergalactic despot Shao Khan (Martyn Ford from Kingsman: The Golden Circle, Matthew Vaughn, 2017), who thus takes over as ruler of Edenia, despatching Queen Sindel (Ana Thu Nyguen) when she attacks him and adopting the child Princess Kitana (Sophia Xu) as his own daughter. By the time Kitana (Adeline Rudolph from Hellboy: The Crooked Man, Brian Taylor, 2023) has reached womanhood, she has mastered such combat skills as her two deadly-bladed fans, under her personal combat trainer Jade (Tati Gabrielle), who is also her trusted ally and friend.

Meanwhile on our own planet, following a clip from one of his better movies – a brilliantly choreographed parody of 1990s action movies – washed up action movie star Johnny Cage (Karl Urban from Star Trek, J.J. Abrams, 2009; The Lord of the Rings; The Two Towers, Peter Jackson, 2002; Xena: Warrior Princess, TV series, 1996-2001) is approached by Lord Raiden (Tadanobu Asano from Shogun, TV series, 2025; Journey to the Shore, Kiyoshi Kurosawa, 2015; Shark Skin Man and Peach Hip Girl, Katsuhito Ishii, 1998)

and Sonya Blade (Jessica McNamee from The Meg, Jon Turtletaub, 2018; Battle of the Sexes, 2017; Home and Away, TV series, 2007) who appear a little like Schwarzenegger in The Terminator (James Cameron, 1984) via lightning bolts in a car park following Johnny’s attendance at a fan convention to ask him to join them as champions against Shao Khan in the upcoming tournament to decide the ruler of Earthrealm and the fate of all mankind.… Read the rest

The Return

Director – Uberto Pasolini – 2024 – Italy, Greece, UK, France – Cert. 15 – 116m

Odysseus returns home to his island kingdom of Ithaca ten years after the Trojan War to find faithful wife Penelope fending off insistent suitors who threaten to kill son Telemachus – out in UK cinemas on Friday, April 11th

A young man (Charlie Plummer) stares out on clear blue Mediterranean waters crashing against the shore’s rocks. In an interior, an older woman (Juliette Binoche) weaves at her shuttle. On a beach, unobserved, the flotsam and jetsam of a shipwreck wash up, as does the unconscious body of a man (Ralph Fiennes). In the local village, a man threatens the young man with a knife.

Under pressure to marry one of the men in the village – her husband Odysseus, the island’s king, never having returned from the Trojan War – Penelope (for the woman played here by Binoche is she) claims she will do so once she has finished weaving her grandfather’s shroud. She is accused of having been weaving it for months.

The Fiennes character is rescued from the sea by a boat, only for crew members to throw him back into the sea.… Read the rest